relive.

i closed my eyes.
trying to take in everything i felt.
trying to engrave in my memory how it's like,
to be happy.

veil of the heart.

39 days, 10 hours, and 29 minutes.

40 days (minus one) since I’ve been veiled.

And the same question still lingers on people’s lips.

“Howa enti et7agebti leih?”

83489439834 times is the number of times I’ve been asked that question.

At first, I used to just hunch my shoulders and smile.

But then someone did not want to stop there; he went on, “la2 begad, howa enti et7gebti leih?”

And then it hit me.

Howa ana et7agebt leih?

Pictures of brides keep popping around from nowhere.

Thoughts of, what will I do when I travel?

Picture of me pre-veil keep popping around from nowhere, too.

Thoughts of, “I could have just started wearing more decent clothes. I did not have to cover my hair.”

Howa ana et7agebt leih?

Yes, I did look pretty with my hair.

Yes, I could have worn everything I want.

Short dresses. Backless dresses. Swim suits.

Yes, I would have wanted to be not veiled on my wedding day, and honeymoon.

And this is exactly why I am veiled.

I don’t know if I could actually put into words.

But nothing equals the happiness, serenity and joy you feel when you win your jihadi battle over yourself, and give up something to Allah.

I chose to cover myself up for Allah.

And with this I get to choose who’s worthy of seeing what.

I am not just a body.

I am not just an object that men get to look at for their pleasure.

I chose to put my faith on display rather than my looks.

It’s not just covering your hair with a piece of cloth.

Veil, is the veil of your heart.

I am, my veil.

And no,

I don’t answer to the slaves of Allah on earth.

I answer to their king.

When this kind of nonsense makes sense to you,

Know that you are ready for the submission.

not so common sense.

it's like you are gravity,
and i am a tide.

on the hardest type of jihad.

you push them away cause it's the right thing to do.
you push them away, when you want them the most.
you push them away, cause you can't have them the right way.

a part of you is joyful,
you've overcome your nafs.
you are a jihadi.
but a little tiny part,
has a curved mouth,
downwards.

for me. for you.

i don't know if you can understand this.
but leaving you, was loving me.

detoxication of the thoughts.

you keep trying to creep in,
but i will keep fighting to shut you out. 

you always manage to appear.
out of the blues.
unexcused. 

brb.
you are being filtered.

non. sense.

و ناس بتحبهم و انت لسة مقبلتهمش.
وتصاحب ناس متعرفش عنهم حاجة.
وناس ضحكتهم تحكيلاك.
و قطط سودة محدش بيحبها.
و الشمس تيجي و تروح.

و انا باجري ورا الراينبوا.

و الف ليلة و ليلة.
و سلالم مش عارفة هي عايزة اية، عايزاك تطلع ولا تنزل.
و كراسي البحر قاعدة لوحدها علي البحر.
و الملايكة بتنام علي السحاب.

و انا لابسة فستان و برقص علي السما.